When I started doing ministry 8 years ago, I was quite the disciplinarian. I was aiming for perfection and wanted everyone to behave, listen and to never be disrespectful. My mantra would have sounded something like this - "I don't care whether you like me or not, or whether you give two cents about the words coming out of my mouth - You will listen to what I have to say." Totally the oldest child in me talking. And right now, I'm sitting here laughing at myself and shaking my head. My perspectives and motivations and ways of ministering have changed quite a bit since then. This week, I've really been struck by just how much transformation God has brought about within me. And I'm delighted about it, because I can honestly say that the way I lead now, looks a lot more like Jesus than it used to.
Now, don't get me wrong, I am not saying that discipline is a bad thing. No. I'm still very authoritative. You can't manage 60 middle schoolers or a whole pack of 8th grade boys without being able to lay down the law. It's just not my first go-to anymore. I've learned that instead of trying to make young people listen to me, I'll show them that I'm willing understand where they're coming from, that I care about them, and that I'm rooting for them. They've got more than enough people in their lives telling them what they're doing wrong or just flat out telling them what to do. They need someone to meet them where they're at, to be in their corner, to walk with them, someone willing to see things from their perspective. And once we see from their perspective, we can encourage them, and we can use our older eyes to help them see what's coming up ahead, because we've already been there. We can help them navigate their own waters, instead of making them navigate them our way.
Of course, this walking with and supporting and and letting them learn from their own mistakes - it takes time... and patience, and mercy, and understanding, and compassion. And these things are not easy to live. But, it's how love lives.
So what does this actually look like? Monday morning I had an e-mail from one of my youth sitting in my inbox. This particular young person wanted to inform me that a group of girls had been talking during our youth session the night before, and that they were being really disrespectful to me. My response -
"I know."
This was not new news to me. I knew. I had just chosen not to make them be quiet.
I was fully aware that those girls had been talking the night before. It was while they were supposed to be praying. They'd raced through the activity and then started whispering to one another. And I sat there and watched them. I sat there and let them do it. While I recognized that I had the option to chastise them, that I easily could have made them be quiet - I chose not to. I might have entertained the idea, but I didn't open my mouth - not this time.
Why? I'm sure this sounds insane to some, to just let these girls talk to each other while they were supposed to be talking to God. Why wouldn't I land right in the middle of that and make them be silent? Because, looking at this whole situation, at those chatty girls with compassion and mercy, reveals more than meets the eye. It offers a whole new perspective.
I know those girls. I know where they're at. Most of the time, they don't care about what I teach or the activities that we do. And that's ok. That's just where they're at. And I know that they're going through really hard things in their personal lives, that made that prayer activity we were doing very difficult for them. So, it was better for me to leave them alone than to try and force them to be silent.
Oh, and one more thing to know about this whole ordeal. The ring leader of that group of girls, she saw me watching them talk. And multiple times, she tried to get her friends to be quiet. She got to see that I was well aware of what was going on, but that for some reason, I said nothing. And I can't wait to talk to her about it this. Because her seeing my silence in that moment, is going to do more good than any reprimand I could have given. I saw her try and lead her friends, so now I can talk to her about that, and affirm her and challenge her to keep trying to lead her friends in the right direction. And, my choosing not to get onto them, that's going to make her think. Why would I do that? What kind of a person would do that? Someone who cares. Someone who is patient and understanding. Someone who's trying to love like Jesus.
This whole thing is God at work. He's giving me an opportunity to teach about Him, and show how He is patient with us, and shows us mercy, even when we ignore Him or cast Him off. Doors have been opened. Beautiful things have an opportunity to unfold, all because I listened to the promptings of the Spirit and chose to be patient, and to be silent, and to love, instead of laying down the law. If we're going to minister like Jesus did, we need to take the time to know our young people and understand where they're at. We need to show them acts of love and mercy, because those acts always speak louder than harsh words. That's how we reach hearts, or rather, how ready the way of the Lord to move in the hearts of our young people.
"Be humble and patient, and the Lord Jesus will give you the will and the means." St. Don Bosco
On this feast day of St. Don Bosco, let us commit to minster to young people with mercy, compassion and love.
St. Don Bosco - Pray for us.
Now, don't get me wrong, I am not saying that discipline is a bad thing. No. I'm still very authoritative. You can't manage 60 middle schoolers or a whole pack of 8th grade boys without being able to lay down the law. It's just not my first go-to anymore. I've learned that instead of trying to make young people listen to me, I'll show them that I'm willing understand where they're coming from, that I care about them, and that I'm rooting for them. They've got more than enough people in their lives telling them what they're doing wrong or just flat out telling them what to do. They need someone to meet them where they're at, to be in their corner, to walk with them, someone willing to see things from their perspective. And once we see from their perspective, we can encourage them, and we can use our older eyes to help them see what's coming up ahead, because we've already been there. We can help them navigate their own waters, instead of making them navigate them our way.
Of course, this walking with and supporting and and letting them learn from their own mistakes - it takes time... and patience, and mercy, and understanding, and compassion. And these things are not easy to live. But, it's how love lives.
So what does this actually look like? Monday morning I had an e-mail from one of my youth sitting in my inbox. This particular young person wanted to inform me that a group of girls had been talking during our youth session the night before, and that they were being really disrespectful to me. My response -
"I know."
This was not new news to me. I knew. I had just chosen not to make them be quiet.
I was fully aware that those girls had been talking the night before. It was while they were supposed to be praying. They'd raced through the activity and then started whispering to one another. And I sat there and watched them. I sat there and let them do it. While I recognized that I had the option to chastise them, that I easily could have made them be quiet - I chose not to. I might have entertained the idea, but I didn't open my mouth - not this time.
Why? I'm sure this sounds insane to some, to just let these girls talk to each other while they were supposed to be talking to God. Why wouldn't I land right in the middle of that and make them be silent? Because, looking at this whole situation, at those chatty girls with compassion and mercy, reveals more than meets the eye. It offers a whole new perspective.
I know those girls. I know where they're at. Most of the time, they don't care about what I teach or the activities that we do. And that's ok. That's just where they're at. And I know that they're going through really hard things in their personal lives, that made that prayer activity we were doing very difficult for them. So, it was better for me to leave them alone than to try and force them to be silent.
Oh, and one more thing to know about this whole ordeal. The ring leader of that group of girls, she saw me watching them talk. And multiple times, she tried to get her friends to be quiet. She got to see that I was well aware of what was going on, but that for some reason, I said nothing. And I can't wait to talk to her about it this. Because her seeing my silence in that moment, is going to do more good than any reprimand I could have given. I saw her try and lead her friends, so now I can talk to her about that, and affirm her and challenge her to keep trying to lead her friends in the right direction. And, my choosing not to get onto them, that's going to make her think. Why would I do that? What kind of a person would do that? Someone who cares. Someone who is patient and understanding. Someone who's trying to love like Jesus.
This whole thing is God at work. He's giving me an opportunity to teach about Him, and show how He is patient with us, and shows us mercy, even when we ignore Him or cast Him off. Doors have been opened. Beautiful things have an opportunity to unfold, all because I listened to the promptings of the Spirit and chose to be patient, and to be silent, and to love, instead of laying down the law. If we're going to minister like Jesus did, we need to take the time to know our young people and understand where they're at. We need to show them acts of love and mercy, because those acts always speak louder than harsh words. That's how we reach hearts, or rather, how ready the way of the Lord to move in the hearts of our young people.
"Be humble and patient, and the Lord Jesus will give you the will and the means." St. Don Bosco
On this feast day of St. Don Bosco, let us commit to minster to young people with mercy, compassion and love.
St. Don Bosco - Pray for us.